The Lost, the Lonely and the Oily
by Moonfire
Summary: Jareth from Labyrinth and Snape from Hogwarts lock horns, or should I say, wands, in a Wizard's Duel for the DADA job


HAIR SCARE: The Lost, the Lonely and the Oily  
  
A Labyrinth/Harry Potter crossover(God help us...;)  
  
  
Plot Summary: Jareth (yes, the Labyrinth Jareth) and Severus compete for the DADA job in a Wizard's Duel. A lot of plot twists and turns, hair curses, kids in oobliettes and general murder and mayhem;)Severus gets his hair washed...in the Bog of Eternal Stench  
  
Rated PG-13 for Pretty Grungy by the 13th hour  
  
  
  
"LOOK at this list!" muttered Harry to Ron as they walked with their heads down over the long paper. "All for the same DADA class. Gillyweed, wolfsbane, dragon marrow, and the rest I can't pronounce. Oh yeah, and these books...Advanced Defense Against the Dark Arts and another one called the Labyrinth..." They looked at each other with bewildered expressions. They were so busy going over the list that they didn't see a very-hurried Snape coming toward them with a bagful of items from Knockturn Alley in each hand.   
  
SMACK!!!  
  
Snape was the first to recover with a snarl. "Potter and Weasley! Watch where you're going! That's ten points from Gryffindor for obstructing a teacher!" With a snort, he gathered up the jar of rolling ogre's eyes and stuffed them back in the sack. Ron made a face at his retreating back.   
  
"Wonder what he needs THOSE for?" he said with disgust.   
  
"Probably for a hair sheen potion." Harry joked, smirking. Ron elbowed him in the ribs as they went away to the bookstore, laughing.   
  
* * *  
  
The next morning, Ron, Harry and Hermione all sat at the Gryffindor table waiting for their mail as usual. A big barn owl led the throng of owls and was the first to land in front of Hermione with a small package.   
  
"It's the usual from Mum." she said with slight embarassment, tearing it open to find several toothcare items.   
  
"Did you get your books and stuff for the DADA class yet?" Ron asked her through a mouthful of blueberry porridge, his teeth flashing a light plum. Hermione made a face.   
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact I did yesterday. I think it's going to be quite interesting..."  
  
Now it was Ron's turn to make a face. "I think it's gonna be looney." The barnowl with the particularly keen eyes and black-banded feet pecked him violently on the hand and Ron drew back with a yelp. "Hey!"  
  
Before he could react further, the owl gave him what could only be termed a dirty look over its shoulder and flew away with its beak in the air. "Fancy THAT..." Ron scowled, nursing his hurt hand.   
  
* * *  
  
Everybody stared as the big owl flew into the DADA classroom. It alighted on the chair, then instantly transformed into their new teacher. As one, they all gasped.   
  
King Jareth smirked, regarding them, then put his crossed legs up over the desk comfortably. "I trust you all know what we're here for." he said in his satin smooth tenor voice, instantly hypnotizing all the females in the room. Ron slid down into his seat as he realized that the owl that had delivered the mail that morning had been his new teacher. Some nodded dumbly with their mouths open, including Hermione. Harry shot her a look that said, 'What's the matter with you?' Jareth stood up in one quick motion and paced slowly in front of his desk.   
  
"As some of you may know, I am King Jareth, ruler of the Goblin City in the Labyrinth. "One of your first lessons today is to never take anything for granted. Especially in the presence of owls." He looked meaningfully at Ron, who had slunk so far down in his seat that only his eyes peeked over the top of the desk. "You never know who...or what...might be listening." As he addressed the class, a jeweled snake watched from a mouse-hole in the wall behind Jareth's desk, its black eyes glittering with malice. "Indeed." Severus thought to himself.   
  
"You may have heard I turn Muggle children into goblins, but that dosen't apply to Wizards." he smirked. "You're safe unless you test me with boisterous behavior. I won't turn you into goblins, but I WILL throw you into an oobliette, or if I'm in a particularly bad mood, I'll throw you into the Bog of Eternal Stench." he paused for dramatic effect. It worked. Everybody was cringing, except Snape.   
  
And I could perform an Unforgivable Curse on you, you pompous windbag!  
  
"I hope you all purchased your Labyrinth books." Jareth continued, returning to his desk. An ear-splitting PPPPPPPPBBBBTTTTT!!! roared through the class as he sat down. Somebody had put a whoopie cushion on Jareth's chair, and everybody lost it, even Draco Malfoy. "SILENCE!!!" Jareth yelled, twacking his riding crop so hard on the desk that the portrait on the wall fled in terror and Snape's ears rang. Jareth glared at the remaining titterers until they shut up so he could resume admonishing them.   
  
Before he opened his mouth, his feet bumped into a small figure huddling in the corner under his desk. With a snarl, Jareth grabbed the goblin's hair and flung him out the window. "Forgive me." he said through tight lips to the class. "As I said, one must NEVER take anything for granted...well? Laugh!"  
  
They did, reluctantly. Snape hissed. Too late. Jareth heard him. "Well, well well, look what we have here!" he smiled triumphantly, grabbing hold of the squirming snake. He held it up for the class to see. "Our first expiriment! Never assume that any animal, object, or person is what they seem." He announced the revelation spell, and threw Snape into the waiting hands of his students like party animals at a rock concert. Jareth laughed. "Just as I suspected." Snape jumped away from the shocked students and stood up in a huff.   
  
"I'm challenging you to a Wizard's Duel, Jareth!" he announced, pointing angrily at the Goblin King. "This is long overdue!"  
  
"Can't you see I'm in the middle of a class, Snape?" Jareth barked in irritation. "We'll discuss this later, or I'll throw YOU into an oobliette!" Harry and Hermione had to each slap a hand over Ron's mouth to keep him from gaffawing. Snape made a face that could have broken glass and strode angrily from the room. "Now, where were we?" Jareth continued. "Oh yes, the goblin-repelling spell. It's one I made up myself, in the form of a song..." He then continued to start the Dance Magic Dance number, and many goblins were flung that day.   
  
(to be continued) 


End file.
